Getting Along With Your Senior Pastor
OK, I've got to admit you're right. I'm was married to my senior pastor for most of my ministry life, so it makes it pretty difficult for him to fire me as his youth leader! But most youth leaders don't have that "inside track." I hear repeatedly from some of you how challenging it is to keep the relationship with your senior pastor from going south. So let me give you some of the advice I gave my own son, Josh, during his first year in full-time youth ministry. Maybe it will strike a helpful chord with you as well.
As painful as reality might be, don't expect your senior pastor to be a "spiritual dad," mentor, or coach. Don't even expect to spend much personal time with him. If by some rare and amazing chance you do have a senior pastor who mentors and coaches you like a loving spiritual father, count your blessings daily. He is a rare, priceless gift from the Lord to you. But if your situation proves to be similar to most youth leaders on the field, don't allow resentment to creep in due to your lack of a closer personal relationship.
Give your senior pastor a weekly (or monthly) written report on key projects, events, and points of interest within your youth ministry. If he says something like, "You don't need to go to the trouble to do this," smilingly respond that it is important to you that he be thoroughly informed. Then keep producing the written reports. In truth, "what you're not up on, you're down on."
Find specific ways you can serve your senior pastor that would matter to him; and then serve him joyfully and with excellence. That action might be something as small as washing his car once a month or occasionally making a hospital visit that he couldn't get to. I don't call that "kissing up." I merely call it "treating people the way I would love to be treated."
Encourage...Encourage...Encourage. No, I'm not suggesting that you flatter your pastor or say things that you do not mean. But his job is filled with lots of lonely days and far more negative comments than you might realize. We all need a cheering squad. So I suggest that you make yourself the chairman of his. Thinking of honest positives, you can give from last week's message is a great place to start.
Never... ever talk negatively about your senior pastor to other people. This would obviously include even other staff personnel. Don't even allow people within the congregation or staff to talk negatively to you about him. Granted, he may have several weaknesses that make this guideline a pretty taxing one. But prioritize loyalty and realize that you will always reap what you sow. Obviously, in rare instances, your pastor may have ethical issues that must be brought to the attention of his governing body. But most of the negative concerns you will be tempted to verbalize will not be in this category. So refuse to allow yourself to become an "Absolom" to him.
Once a year, take an hour out of your schedule to create a handwritten note, thanking him for the privilege of ministering with the teenagers and telling him specific things you appreciate about his character. I can hear some of your thoughts even as I type this sentence. "I'm a non-paid volunteer. Why should I be writing him a thank you? He should be writing one to me!" You are absolutely right again. That being true, you will reap the dividends of that yearly one-hour-note-writing-session more than I could adequately tell you.
When "trouble in River City" occurs, make sure you get to your senior pastor to inform him before the other parties do. Don't allow yourself to become paranoid on this issue. But occasionally, you should hear yourself saying, "I just wanted to give you a heads up on something in case you hear the other side of the story." This principle is especially important when you experience rough waters with the teenagers of other leadership in the church.
If the senior pastor has a son or daughter in your youth ministry, go the extra mile to connect effectively and regularly with them. Wrong or right, every good parent deeply appreciates someone who helps them positively navigate the teenager years with their children. Guard against becoming "emotional competition" with your pastor for his student's love or loyalty. But, go beyond the call of duty to connect positively with them.
Do these simple suggestions make a difference? I really think so. I remember when I participated in my oldest son's wedding. His senior pastor made comments during the ceremony and said, "I think of Josh as a true son to me," and judging from his voice tone and the look in his eyes, he really meant that. I smiled internally and mentally sent up a quick prayer. "Thanks, Lord." At that point I knew Josh had several more wonderful years ahead of him with this man, and my mom's heart was really grateful.
OK, I've got to admit you're right. I'm was married to my senior pastor for most of my ministry life, so it makes it pretty difficult for him to fire me as his youth leader! But most youth leaders don't have that "inside track." I hear repeatedly from some of you how challenging it is to keep the relationship with your senior pastor from going south. So let me give you some of the advice I gave my own son, Josh, during his first year in full-time youth ministry. Maybe it will strike a helpful chord with you as well.
As painful as reality might be, don't expect your senior pastor to be a "spiritual dad," mentor, or coach. Don't even expect to spend much personal time with him. If by some rare and amazing chance you do have a senior pastor who mentors and coaches you like a loving spiritual father, count your blessings daily. He is a rare, priceless gift from the Lord to you. But if your situation proves to be similar to most youth leaders on the field, don't allow resentment to creep in due to your lack of a closer personal relationship.
Give your senior pastor a weekly (or monthly) written report on key projects, events, and points of interest within your youth ministry. If he says something like, "You don't need to go to the trouble to do this," smilingly respond that it is important to you that he be thoroughly informed. Then keep producing the written reports. In truth, "what you're not up on, you're down on."
Find specific ways you can serve your senior pastor that would matter to him; and then serve him joyfully and with excellence. That action might be something as small as washing his car once a month or occasionally making a hospital visit that he couldn't get to. I don't call that "kissing up." I merely call it "treating people the way I would love to be treated."
Encourage...Encourage...Encourage. No, I'm not suggesting that you flatter your pastor or say things that you do not mean. But his job is filled with lots of lonely days and far more negative comments than you might realize. We all need a cheering squad. So I suggest that you make yourself the chairman of his. Thinking of honest positives, you can give from last week's message is a great place to start.
Never... ever talk negatively about your senior pastor to other people. This would obviously include even other staff personnel. Don't even allow people within the congregation or staff to talk negatively to you about him. Granted, he may have several weaknesses that make this guideline a pretty taxing one. But prioritize loyalty and realize that you will always reap what you sow. Obviously, in rare instances, your pastor may have ethical issues that must be brought to the attention of his governing body. But most of the negative concerns you will be tempted to verbalize will not be in this category. So refuse to allow yourself to become an "Absolom" to him.
Once a year, take an hour out of your schedule to create a handwritten note, thanking him for the privilege of ministering with the teenagers and telling him specific things you appreciate about his character. I can hear some of your thoughts even as I type this sentence. "I'm a non-paid volunteer. Why should I be writing him a thank you? He should be writing one to me!" You are absolutely right again. That being true, you will reap the dividends of that yearly one-hour-note-writing-session more than I could adequately tell you.
When "trouble in River City" occurs, make sure you get to your senior pastor to inform him before the other parties do. Don't allow yourself to become paranoid on this issue. But occasionally, you should hear yourself saying, "I just wanted to give you a heads up on something in case you hear the other side of the story." This principle is especially important when you experience rough waters with the teenagers of other leadership in the church.
If the senior pastor has a son or daughter in your youth ministry, go the extra mile to connect effectively and regularly with them. Wrong or right, every good parent deeply appreciates someone who helps them positively navigate the teenager years with their children. Guard against becoming "emotional competition" with your pastor for his student's love or loyalty. But, go beyond the call of duty to connect positively with them.
Do these simple suggestions make a difference? I really think so. I remember when I participated in my oldest son's wedding. His senior pastor made comments during the ceremony and said, "I think of Josh as a true son to me," and judging from his voice tone and the look in his eyes, he really meant that. I smiled internally and mentally sent up a quick prayer. "Thanks, Lord." At that point I knew Josh had several more wonderful years ahead of him with this man, and my mom's heart was really grateful.
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I can't even begin to count the number of heart-to-heart talks I have had with youth pastors regarding their senior pastors. While the reasons for the tension may vary, oftentimes at the core is a youth pastor's longing to have an affirming, loving, stable dad-type figure in his or her life. However, what is easy to fail to take into consideration is that it can be tough for a senior pastor to give away to others what he may have never experienced for himself.
This issue of Youth Leader's Coach is NOT meant to help you fix your senior pastor, but to give you 12 simple, doable suggestions on how to improve upon your relationship. And, in doing so, you might end up with exactly what you most desire. For your greatest limitation will never be the leader above you, but the spirit within you.
Lovingly,
The majority of us are not in the #1 chair of leadership in all areas of our lives. We have a leader, boss, senior pastor or board we report to and, at times, wrestle with. While navigating those relational waters above us can get tricky, it's possible to lead well and influence countless people from our #2 positions.
In this Youth Leader's Coach, we begin by eradicating the misconceptions that hinder individuals from reaching their full potential in their current "middle of the pack" leadership positions. Then, we glean five life-changing leadership principles from David, the ultimate example of "Leading From The #2 Position" king.
So grab a cup of coffee and warm up your CD burner, this one you'll want to share.
Lovingly,
The average senior pastor in the ‘70s had a tenure in full-time ministry of 30 years. Now the lifespan of the average senior pastor in full-time ministry is CUT IN HALF...to only 15 years! The million dollar question though is, why? I think that much of the answer rests in the "emotional roller coaster" of ministry's constantly changing high's and low's.
In this month's Youth Leader's Coach, "Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster Called Ministry," I'm talking leader to leader about the emotional journey that ministry sometimes takes us on. So grab a cup of coffee and a journal as we navigate our efforts as leaders to stay in the game wholeheartedly through the ups and downs.
Hanging On For The Ride,
It seems that today's church world seems to be much more focused on TALKING than on LISTENING. People often ask me how to GROW their ministry or how to PREACH with more skill. But rarely, if ever, do people ask me how to LISTEN more effectively. I think INTENTIONAL LISTENING is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give to another human being.
Let me ask you a really important question in youth ministry: How good of a listener are you...really? In this Youth Leader's Coach, I share nine ways that you can raise your "L.Q." (Listening Quotient). Remember, it was Voltaire that said, "The ears are the highway to the heart." And after lots of years in youth ministry trenches, I promise you that intentional listening is a really, really big deal.
Lovingly,
The topic of this Alliance is one of my personal favorites. It's entitled, "Senior Pastor: Friend or Foe?" Our relationship with our senior pastors can make us or break us. And sadly, after over 40 years of experience in youth ministry, I've seen it break far too many. But it doesn't have to! With a little help from their friends (i.e. you) and some time-tested perspective, maybe we can change some of that.
