Fighting My Inner Control Freak!
"Control freak!" That's the term we use in youth ministry for senior pastors who won't give us our way or elder boards who veto our latest hot youth ministry idea. But to be honest with you, I have an element of the "control freak" still inside of ME. And from time to time, it has been costly in the progress of our youth ministry. How about you? Let me share some of my thoughts.
- Excellence is not always as high a goal in youth ministry as participation. Thus, I need to "chill" and let my students own more things—even if the quality is lower than what "the select few" could have produced.
One time, one of my high school guys wrote a skit to go with a portion of my talk that night. When I saw it at rehearsal, I almost canned it completely. My initial impression? It stunk! But I'm so glad I allowed the guy to share his skit. The kids responded to it far better than I expected and better yet, the guy spent the rest of the night grinning from ear to ear. Point taken, Little Miss Control Freak: Involvement sometimes trumps excellence. - When I was a teenager, church leaders cheered my most feeble attempts to be involved. I was given a chance to learn and grow. How well am I doing that now for the teenagers around me?
Yes, I've got to admit that I can be a tough coach sometimes. I cringe when the youth worship set has a bunch of dead time or a couple of leaders show up for our youth service dressed in something like their bathing suits. But, I have to remind myself that someone was amazingly tolerant of me when I was young and learning. They lived by the mantra that "failure isn't fatal." So, I need to often remind myself that I thwart people's growth when I allow myself to focus more on "control" than on "encouragement." - High control takes a lot of the fun out of youth ministry. And it also runs off some of your best potential leaders.
Strong leaders want to be clearly led, not controlled. They want to feel trusted and given space to pursue their dreams. They want to feel like comrades, not bellboys. Insecurity, on the other hand, makes us paranoid of strong leaders. Thus, we easily create a team of weak people and "yes men" around us—people who can be easily controlled (Did I say "manipulated"?). Youth ministry becomes so much more fulfilling and fun when we surround ourselves with strong individuals who are empowered to be "make it happen" people in the youth ministry.
What is sometimes my greatest involvement in student's lives? It's for me to be on the front row cheering them on. That's about it. I'll probably also be the informal "encouragement giver" afterwards if the huge crowd they envision doesn't appear. I'm learning the joy of being "out of control." How about you? Just remember this simple principle: If you have to tell people that you are their leader, you probably aren't.
"Control freak!" That's the term we use in youth ministry for senior pastors who won't give us our way or elder boards who veto our latest hot youth ministry idea. But to be honest with you, I have an element of the "control freak" still inside of ME. And from time to time, it has been costly in the progress of our youth ministry. How about you? Let me share some of my thoughts.
- Excellence is not always as high a goal in youth ministry as participation. Thus, I need to "chill" and let my students own more things—even if the quality is lower than what "the select few" could have produced.
One time, one of my high school guys wrote a skit to go with a portion of my talk that night. When I saw it at rehearsal, I almost canned it completely. My initial impression? It stunk! But I'm so glad I allowed the guy to share his skit. The kids responded to it far better than I expected and better yet, the guy spent the rest of the night grinning from ear to ear. Point taken, Little Miss Control Freak: Involvement sometimes trumps excellence. - When I was a teenager, church leaders cheered my most feeble attempts to be involved. I was given a chance to learn and grow. How well am I doing that now for the teenagers around me?
Yes, I've got to admit that I can be a tough coach sometimes. I cringe when the youth worship set has a bunch of dead time or a couple of leaders show up for our youth service dressed in something like their bathing suits. But, I have to remind myself that someone was amazingly tolerant of me when I was young and learning. They lived by the mantra that "failure isn't fatal." So, I need to often remind myself that I thwart people's growth when I allow myself to focus more on "control" than on "encouragement." - High control takes a lot of the fun out of youth ministry. And it also runs off some of your best potential leaders.
Strong leaders want to be clearly led, not controlled. They want to feel trusted and given space to pursue their dreams. They want to feel like comrades, not bellboys. Insecurity, on the other hand, makes us paranoid of strong leaders. Thus, we easily create a team of weak people and "yes men" around us—people who can be easily controlled (Did I say "manipulated"?). Youth ministry becomes so much more fulfilling and fun when we surround ourselves with strong individuals who are empowered to be "make it happen" people in the youth ministry.
What is sometimes my greatest involvement in student's lives? It's for me to be on the front row cheering them on. That's about it. I'll probably also be the informal "encouragement giver" afterwards if the huge crowd they envision doesn't appear. I'm learning the joy of being "out of control." How about you? Just remember this simple principle: If you have to tell people that you are their leader, you probably aren't.
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Over the years, each of my youth groups have been diverse and unique. But each group has also had one thing in common - we sought to create a friendship culture. This topic is so important to me that I've devoted an entire book to it called "Thriving Youth Groups."
I'm giving you the heart of that concept in this Youth Leader's Coach entitled, "Creating A Friendship Culture In Your Youth Ministry." If a youth group fails what I call the "friendliness test," the youth ministry has all but failed. So grab a cup of java and let me share some of the key principles to change the culture in your group.
Lovingly being a friend,
About 5 years into full-time youth ministry, I remember saying, "I think EVERYBODY deals with insecurity!" Now, more than 35 years later, I am even more convinced of that fact. Insecurity is a controlling factor that the teenagers in your youth church deal with almost every hour of their lives. Often, it stays masked behind facades of pride, sarcasm, or quietness. But I promise you that insecurity is one of the most dominant emotions most of today's youth culture is impacted by.
Years ago, I heard someone say that "Whoever we most fear...we will eventually serve." Isn't that true? Proverbs 29:25 says it a little differently. It reads, "The fear of man creates a trap." Right again, King Solomon! So enjoy this Source, "The Curse Of Insecurity," and know that it is powerfully relevant to about every teenager (and youth minister) you know. Who knows? You might even hear something in the message for yourself!
Lovingly yours,
The majority of us have seen or channel surfed past "Flip That House" or a show like it. And, whether you're a HGTV/TLC fan or not, most of us in youth ministry have felt a similar need to "Flip That Youth Group." This need for a new and improved look may be in the area of outreach, worship, community, spiritual tenor or something entirely different. Regardless, whether now or later, we know the need for change is inevitable. Navigating that change can either be glorious if done well or catastrophic if not.
In this Youth Leader's Coach, we look at how to create specific change in our youth ministries without demolishing them. So, grab a cup of coffee and join me as we look at four things that will help us accomplish the task at hand one kid at a time.
Lovingly,
As I'm launching this exciting new chapter of my life, I just want to pause with you to share some essential principles that I'm putting into action here with my brand new youth ministry family. Statistics tell us if you're in youth ministry for the long haul, you will probably have at least one ministry transition. So whether you are starting all over again like me, or if you just want to bring fresh vision to the ministry you're at now, you'll get some great ideas from this message.
In this Youth Leader's Coach, "Thoughts From The Starting Line," I share with you ten key things that I'll be focusing on in my new youth ministry as I cast vision for the future. Remember, that "first impressions are lasting impressions" so I'm working hard to make these first few months with my new group of amazing students really count.
You may also want to listen to the Source that goes with this Youth Leader's Coach, "8,760 Hours From Now," the first night I spent with my students.
Starting with the end in mind,
When people have asked me over the years what the number ONE enemy of my ministry run has been, I have one consistent answer: "My own MIND GAMES!" Statistics tell us that we speak at a rate of 200 words per minute, but think at approximately 1,300 words a minute. That's a lot of "self-talk" going on in my own head. More often than not, the ME inside of my own mind is pretty full of mental battles that could kick me to the curb if I allow them. However, if I choose to take control of my own head, with the help of Christ and His Word, I really can grow past these emotional traps.
That's why this ALLIANCE is a really important one. Ministry for a lot of us can be pretty lonely as we try to navigate through the warzones in our own heads. Our prayer for this Alliance is that it is a safe place for youth pastors and youth leaders to share candidly with each other on this life-impacting topic. In a world of surface level relationships in ministry, please make this ALLIANCE a place of authentic friendship and healing honesty.
