Handling Conflict In Your Ministry
Why is it that when we're in ministry, we expect people to be different when it comes to handling conflict? We expect Christians to follow the Bible and handle their conflicts in a Matthew 18 way. But the truth is, "people are people" and whether we consider ourselves Christians or not, not one of us... including me, has always handled confrontation in a perfect Matthew 18 way. (Go to the person first, if you are unable to resolve the issues between you, take someone with you and then, if the problem continues, take it to the church.) But I have learned, that there are very few things in life that can't be handled if you take enough time to relationally build some bridges or to reinforce those bridges and have a cup of coffee with someone.
Here are 5 things to consider when you prepare to confront someone:
First state the specific strength in the person's life which is probably being turned against them as a weakness. As Watchman Nee said, "It is precisely where we're gifted that we're often dangerous."
Make an honest "Considering Thyself" Statement. (Galatians 6:1) "Consider myself... I relate to this."
Give them one sentence that clearly says what you're confronting. Clearly think through how you're going to say it... don't just blurt it out.
Give them a chance to talk back. If you make it easy for them to talk back... you take them off the defensive.
Close out your conversation with verbal statements that affirm them. Strength – Confrontation – Strength.
Why is it that when we're in ministry, we expect people to be different when it comes to handling conflict? We expect Christians to follow the Bible and handle their conflicts in a Matthew 18 way. But the truth is, "people are people" and whether we consider ourselves Christians or not, not one of us... including me, has always handled confrontation in a perfect Matthew 18 way. (Go to the person first, if you are unable to resolve the issues between you, take someone with you and then, if the problem continues, take it to the church.) But I have learned, that there are very few things in life that can't be handled if you take enough time to relationally build some bridges or to reinforce those bridges and have a cup of coffee with someone.
Here are 5 things to consider when you prepare to confront someone:
First state the specific strength in the person's life which is probably being turned against them as a weakness. As Watchman Nee said, "It is precisely where we're gifted that we're often dangerous."
Make an honest "Considering Thyself" Statement. (Galatians 6:1) "Consider myself... I relate to this."
Give them one sentence that clearly says what you're confronting. Clearly think through how you're going to say it... don't just blurt it out.
Give them a chance to talk back. If you make it easy for them to talk back... you take them off the defensive.
Close out your conversation with verbal statements that affirm them. Strength – Confrontation – Strength.
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Most of the time when you make mistakes, you don't want to broadcast them for the world to hear. Instead, you'd rather sweep them under the carpet and pretend they never happened. The only problem is that what entangled you is often entangling others and they don't even realize it.
In this Youth Leader's Coach, you'll hear me share my ten biggest mistakes in youth ministry. While there are a few I'm still fighting to conquer on a daily basis, I've made headway on many. Why do I air them out loud? Simply because my desire to be an authentic coach in your life is greater than my desire to save face. Perhaps by recognizing that you too are struggling in some of the same areas, you'll disarm them and overcome their crippling effect long before I did.
In the trenches with you,
This Youth Leader's Coach, "A Youth Leader's Guide To Clean Fights," focuses on how to handle the normal conflict situations that inevitably arise in youth ministry. I suggest six principles to help you get angry without becoming destructive. These principles will be effective with your students, your senior pastor, your leadership team, your deacon board and even your family. As a matter of fact, these principles work when I deal with anger directed towards my most common challenge-myself.
So it really is possible, even in youth ministry, to "fight clean." It's not only possible, it's essential for solid youth ministry and lasting relationships. Happy Listening.
Living out Ephesians 4:26,
"Effective discipline in youth ministry, that's a tough one to figure out. Lots of times we swing the pendulum from one side to the other, we either have very little discipline and the kids run over us if we have more than 20 students involved, or we go to the other side of the fence and we're very militaristic.
In over 35 years of youth ministry, I've seen it all. In this Youth Leader's Coach, "Effective Discipline In Your Youth Ministry," listen as I walk you through in some ways that I have used successfully to not just discipline my kids, but used them as opportunities to disciple them, bring them closer to Jesus Christ and start them on a lifetime of success.
Lovingly yours,
Conflict in youth ministry is always present. As Charlie Brown once said, "I love mankind, it’s just people that I can’t stand." The truth is...where there are people, there's conflict. According to a Stanford University study, the success of an individual in corporate America depends only on 15% product knowledge, but 85% people knowledge. I think the same thing applies in youth ministry.
My life in youth ministry over the decades has had all sorts of opportunities to handle conflict. This is such a critical skill to have in ministry! I pray that you'll apply these ten principles to the conflict you are bound to encounter in your own ministry.
Your "long-distance" cheerleader,
If you're wired at all like me, you will resonate with this month's Youth Leader's Coach. I call it, "When You Feel Like A Fraud." No...I'm not "A Fraud." But there are many times during my years in full-time ministry when that thought has crossed my mind.
John Milton once said, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven." The reality is, it's not a lie to you if you choose to keep allowing yourself to repeat it and believe it. So listen in as I share 12 different times when the Enemy may plant the thought in your mind that what you're doing is making you "feel like a fraud," and how I've handled those times when they come up in my life.
Still fighting the battles,
