Rooftop Counseling
Ever done one of your counseling sessions on the top of your church roof with a feather pillow in your hands? I did. And looking back on that crisp fall afternoon, I think Jesus was probably smiling. Let me explain the situation.
Early in my youth ministry journey, I became convinced that the number one killer of a youth ministry friendship culture wasn't sex or drugs. It was a far more deceptive enemy, Gossip. That realization became the impetus for my "rooftop counseling session."
I invited two of my most influential but "chatty" girls to follow me on an impromptu field trip. With feather pillow and scissors in hand, I led them up the outdoor fire escape ladder to the top of our church roof. They laughed nervously, obviously a little confused at my mission.
After arriving, I handed the girls the pillow and asked them to cut it open and shake it vigorously into the wind. The fall wind left little option for the hundreds of feathers that fell out. They flew in countless directions, soon disappearing out of sight. The girls stood holding the empty pillowcase, wondering what was next.
"OK, girls," I shared with them, "I have only one more request. I need you to come down from this roof and spend the rest of this afternoon gathering up all the feathers that we just released to the wind."
Suddenly, their faces mirrored the impossibility of the mission. "Jeanne, we can't do that. I mean, there's no way to even figure out where the wind has blown as those feathers."
"Exactly, ladies," I said seriously. "And that's how it is with your words when you gossip and talk negatively about others in this youth ministry. Your words blow all over and leave the victims unable to ever fully pick up all the pieces. You are leaving broken, hurt people in your path. I'm asking you one more time to stop the negative talk and gossip about other students around here."
Only the whisper of the fall wind broke the silence. The girls dropped their heads, not knowing how to answer. My other milder approaches had fallen on deaf ears. But somehow, as we stood on the tall church roof that afternoon, I felt that my point had been made.
If you desire to create a safe place where a spiritual family can be cultivated, this whole subject is a must. So what do you do when gossip becomes a problem in your youth ministry? Here are just a few suggestions...- Create a youth meeting focused on gossip and sarcasm. You could even create a video of yourself on top of a tall building, reenacting the scene I described.
- As with all significant changes, get your key influencers on your side. Many people gossip out of their own insecurities and jealousy. So have the courage to talk to key offenders privately first, helping them to realize their pattern of gossip and asking them to please focus on changing.
- Create an atmosphere in your youth ministry of affirmation and encouragement. I often remind our youth leadership team, "Don't pull the weeds without planting the flowers." In other words, the best way to remove negative behavior is to replace it with something positive."
- In extreme cases, you might need to ask a student to take time away from your youth ministry. The Word of God clearly tells us "a divided house cannot stand." It's the same with a "divided youth group." So after private one-on-one confrontation, I encourage you to ask the repeat offender to stay away for a while "until they are able to control their mouth." Serious response? Yes. But I think an undercurrent of division and gossip can be used to destroy healthy youth ministries in a very significant way.
If nothing more, just remember the concept of a "feather pillow counseling session." I can't make many guarantees in youth ministry. But I can guarantee you that if you work with students very long, you will eventually need your own "roof experience." Happy climbing!
Ever done one of your counseling sessions on the top of your church roof with a feather pillow in your hands? I did. And looking back on that crisp fall afternoon, I think Jesus was probably smiling. Let me explain the situation.
Early in my youth ministry journey, I became convinced that the number one killer of a youth ministry friendship culture wasn't sex or drugs. It was a far more deceptive enemy, Gossip. That realization became the impetus for my "rooftop counseling session."
I invited two of my most influential but "chatty" girls to follow me on an impromptu field trip. With feather pillow and scissors in hand, I led them up the outdoor fire escape ladder to the top of our church roof. They laughed nervously, obviously a little confused at my mission.
After arriving, I handed the girls the pillow and asked them to cut it open and shake it vigorously into the wind. The fall wind left little option for the hundreds of feathers that fell out. They flew in countless directions, soon disappearing out of sight. The girls stood holding the empty pillowcase, wondering what was next.
"OK, girls," I shared with them, "I have only one more request. I need you to come down from this roof and spend the rest of this afternoon gathering up all the feathers that we just released to the wind."
Suddenly, their faces mirrored the impossibility of the mission. "Jeanne, we can't do that. I mean, there's no way to even figure out where the wind has blown as those feathers."
"Exactly, ladies," I said seriously. "And that's how it is with your words when you gossip and talk negatively about others in this youth ministry. Your words blow all over and leave the victims unable to ever fully pick up all the pieces. You are leaving broken, hurt people in your path. I'm asking you one more time to stop the negative talk and gossip about other students around here."
Only the whisper of the fall wind broke the silence. The girls dropped their heads, not knowing how to answer. My other milder approaches had fallen on deaf ears. But somehow, as we stood on the tall church roof that afternoon, I felt that my point had been made.
If you desire to create a safe place where a spiritual family can be cultivated, this whole subject is a must. So what do you do when gossip becomes a problem in your youth ministry? Here are just a few suggestions...- Create a youth meeting focused on gossip and sarcasm. You could even create a video of yourself on top of a tall building, reenacting the scene I described.
- As with all significant changes, get your key influencers on your side. Many people gossip out of their own insecurities and jealousy. So have the courage to talk to key offenders privately first, helping them to realize their pattern of gossip and asking them to please focus on changing.
- Create an atmosphere in your youth ministry of affirmation and encouragement. I often remind our youth leadership team, "Don't pull the weeds without planting the flowers." In other words, the best way to remove negative behavior is to replace it with something positive."
- In extreme cases, you might need to ask a student to take time away from your youth ministry. The Word of God clearly tells us "a divided house cannot stand." It's the same with a "divided youth group." So after private one-on-one confrontation, I encourage you to ask the repeat offender to stay away for a while "until they are able to control their mouth." Serious response? Yes. But I think an undercurrent of division and gossip can be used to destroy healthy youth ministries in a very significant way.
If nothing more, just remember the concept of a "feather pillow counseling session." I can't make many guarantees in youth ministry. But I can guarantee you that if you work with students very long, you will eventually need your own "roof experience." Happy climbing!
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Chances are you probably have run into attitude problems in your students in the recent past. The attitude issues that you'll encounter cover such a wide range: the "sin is cool" attitude, the "rebellious and proud of it" attitude, the "run the youth group down with sarcasm and cuts" attitude, or the apathetic "drop dead - I don't care" attitude (and there are so many more). Realize that these attitudes don't just show up in your students - you'll find them in adults, in your leaders and even your own family. We often have to check ourselves because they can so easily appear in our own life.
So sit back and enjoy as I share some of the lessons I've learned over the years in dealing with an issue we all face.
Your "long-distance" cheerleader,
About 5 years into full-time youth ministry, I remember saying, "I think EVERYBODY deals with insecurity!" Now, more than 35 years later, I am even more convinced of that fact. Insecurity is a controlling factor that the teenagers in your youth church deal with almost every hour of their lives. Often, it stays masked behind facades of pride, sarcasm, or quietness. But I promise you that insecurity is one of the most dominant emotions most of today's youth culture is impacted by.
Years ago, I heard someone say that "Whoever we most fear...we will eventually serve." Isn't that true? Proverbs 29:25 says it a little differently. It reads, "The fear of man creates a trap." Right again, King Solomon! So enjoy this Source, "The Curse Of Insecurity," and know that it is powerfully relevant to about every teenager (and youth minister) you know. Who knows? You might even hear something in the message for yourself!
Lovingly yours,
Over the years, America's verbal sport of choice has become sarcasm. Even though no official trophy is awarded, you are declared a "winner" by making others feel like a fool. Most often, it is done by throwing verbal spears behind the deceptive shield of a laugh and words that say "I'm just kidding." As you know, the participants in the sport are heralded as witty, smart and just plain funny. And strangely enough, the recipients have learned to laugh it all off, for that's much easier than revealing the hidden scars of rejection and insecurity left in the wake of the verbal lashing.
Does that sound all too familiar? More than likely it does. Some youth pastors I know have mastered this sport. And, unfortunately, there are times I am a competitor myself. So, to remind our students and ourselves not to leave scars for the sake of a laugh, in this issue of the Source, "Scar-casm," we use a couple of fun videos, a drama, a website and a play on words to make a powerful Proverbs 18:21 point, our tongues really do have "the power of life and death."
Weighing my words,
When it comes to conflict are you a "Hider," "Hurter," or "Healer"? As you might guess, to be a "Healer" is the desired answer, but not always the easiest to pull off. Using Matthew, Ephesians and Galatians as our text, in this Youth Leader's Coach we learn how to speak the truth in love and gently guide those we love back onto the right path.
While no one in their right mind enjoys confrontation, if we are going to make a difference for Jesus Christ, learning how to do this well is crucial. "Caring Enough To Confront" is an essential part of helping move people toward maturity in Christ. So, grab a cup of coffee and learn from my recent struggles and victories as we navigate this challenging world...together!
Lovingly,
LeBron James is one of the most respected men in the history of basketball. He once stated his life goal as this, "I want to be the greatest basketball player of all time. And that's my motivation. It's not simple, but for me it is. That's my mind frame." And believe it or not, my friends, we all have our own LeBron James to coach to be the best.
Who are the " LeBron James'" in our ministry world? They are people who have an immense level of leadership, influence or giftedness that we are tasked with leading for a season. Our goal in leading them should be to make them the VERY BEST THEY CAN BE within the time we are trusted to lead them.
So in this month's Youth Leader's Coach, "Coaching Your Own LeBron James," I'm sharing some pragmatics on how to effectively lead those who are highly gifted, influential leaders. This is a "do not miss" resource. So grab a coffee and listen in.
Lovingly,
